Through It All
by Clarity's Illusions
Summary: If the one person you counted on above everyone else betrayed you, what would you do? If your dreams curled and blackened like paper in the face of fire, would you have the strength to rebuild them, even knowing they could never be the same? When the unthinkable happens, Kitty Russell does the only thing she can to protect the most precious thing Matt Dillon ever gave her.
1. Chapter 1

**Thank you all for your kind reviews for "After All This Time"! I appreciate every one of them. I hope you enjoy this one. :)**

* * *

Matt Dillon never made me any promises.

After a few years had taken the edge off my naiveté, I quit expecting any. We settled into an understanding, undefined but there all the same. An easy, satisfied relationship took the place of my relentless longing. And I learned one thing, if I never learned anything else – when that marshal did tell me something, he meant it.

Oh, I'm not talking about things like socials and picnics. He missed plenty of those over the years. I used to get so mad, I would be all ready and off he'd go chasing another outlaw.

But the things that mattered – the things we talked about over a nightcap, long after the Long Branch closed and his old injuries wouldn't let him sleep – those words I could believe in. In a way, they were promises of their own. That's what kept me around Dodge. A lifetime of hope, in those nights we shared those unspoken promises. Those nights he bared his heart and soul to me.

I forgave him a lot of things in the lifetime he shared with me. Petty things and big things. I even forgave him Mike Yardner. That one took some time, but I couldn't hold it against him. The hardest part about it was that another woman got what I'd been waiting years for, and still don't have: Matt Dillon's commitment. His declared, unhidden love.

I forgave him every time he stood up to face another gunman in the street, every sleepless night I spent worrying about him. I forgave him his only mistress – that shiny silver badge I learned to hate and respect. Hate it because it stole him from me. Respect it, because it defined everything I loved about that man.

But one hot sultry day in August, at 9:15 in the morning, Matt Dillon did something that hurt me worse than anything he'd ever done, and I'm not sure I can forgive him for it.

He died.

** One day earlier**

"Miss Kitty, you going up to see Matthew?"

The lovely red-haired woman allowed Festus to take the tray she was loaded down with. "Thank you, Festus, and yes, I am."

"'Ol Doc say how he was doin', did he?"

"Doc thinks if Matt takes it easy for a few days and rests his arm, it should be back to normal in another week."

"Ain't gon' be easy makin' him do it, though."  
Kitty, torn between frustration and amusement, laughed. "Doc's already threatened to sit on him twice." She lowered her voice as they neared the stairs leading up the office. "Between you and me, Festus, the only reason he's still in that bed is because Doc won't give him back his pants."

* * *

Up in the office, Doc leaned back in his chair and swiped at his mustache. "By golly, that's a lovely sound," he said to himself as Kitty's sultry laughter drifted up the stairs. Since Matt had gotten himself shot – again – the redhead had been too pale for his liking. Fool lawman deserved every bullet he got, in Doc's opinion. Well, he amended, he had to be truthful. He didn't know how much more abuse Matt's aging body could take. The thought had kept him up at night on more than one occasion.

Doc was pulled away from further thought about Matt Dillon as the door opened and Kitty and Festus spilled in, still chuckling about something.

"Now, Doc, I've brought you some breakfast, and you too, Festus," she assured the hill man. "You two sit out here and eat, and I'll go see about cheering Matt up."

"Don't you dare give him his clothes back," Doc called after her, loudly enough to ensure Matt would be red as a cherry when she got to him. "I mean it, young lady."

"Wouldn't dream of it, Doc," she said, winking at him, and he felt his own face heat up.

"For goodness sake," he muttered.

Festus was already tucking into his food, and Doc joined him before he embarrassed himself even further.

* * *

He rode into town on a red horse.

Dusty from the long nights on the prairie, parched for a cold beer, and hungry for revenge, Emmett Powell rode into Dodge with one mission – to kill Matt Dillon. He already knew how many men had died in the attempt, but Emmett was different.

He wasn't blinded by emotion or the desperate need to prove his prowess with a gun. And above all he wasn't afraid. No, he wasn't afraid.

He was going to kill Marshal Matthew Dillon, and that was all there was to it.

* * *

Kitty collected the empty trays on her way out. "He's asleep," she told Doc softly. "I'll be back by this evening."

"You rest between now and then, young lady," the physician told her firmly. "You're looking pale again. Sam can handle the bar."

"You worry too much," she told him. "Coming, Festus?"

"In jest a minute or so," he said. "I'm gonna check in on 'ol Matthew, here."

"You wake him up and I'll…"

Kitty shut the door on their bickering, shaking her head and knowing she wouldn't know what to do without them.

Doc chased Festus out of his office seconds later, each muttering insults at the other because neither of them wanted to wake Matt up.

Finally shutting the door, Doc welcomed the peace and quiet at last. Sinking back into his chair, he laced his hands over his stomach and thought about taking a nap.

"_DOC!"_

He jerked up, automatically grabbing his black bag on his way out. Snatching the door open, he searched frantically. The voice was familiar as his own, and so was the crumpled heap at the foot of the stairs.

Festus hollered for him again, and he took them two at a time.


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks for the awesome reviews! I love all of you. :D **

**A lot of you have been saying that they might stop reading because Matt died - but please, please stick with me. And, without giving the plot away, remember that things are not always what they seem. **

* * *

Kitty was already picking herself up when he got to her, despite Festus's pleas that she stay still.

"What happened?" Doc demanded, eyes already moving up and down a woman he loved like his own daughter. An awful fear had grabbed his heart and taken root, and it grew now by leaps and bounds.

"I'm fine," she said, a self-deprecating laugh following the words. "I just tripped, that's all. It's okay."

Doc was alarmed the shade of white she had turned, though color was slowly returning. "You just come up here and let me judge that."  
"Yeah, Miss Kitty, you ain't bin yourself the last few days," Festus added his argument, but Kitty was shaking her head vehemently. "I'm fine, Doc," she insisted, a hint of steel creeping into her voice. "Now I have an appointment with Sarah Reeves I don't intend to miss, so if you gentlemen will excuse me…"

Her words trailed off at the looks on Doc's and Festus's faces. "I'm sorry," she said, softly, laying a hand on the physician's sleeve. "I didn't mean that. But I really do have to go. Tell you what, Doc – if it doesn't get better in a few days, I'll let you look at me."

"If _what_ doesn't get better, Kitty?" Doc asked shrewdly. "You just said you only tripped."  
"I'm fine," she said, and before either man could say anything else she pulled the empty trays from Festus's hands and walked off.

"Doc," Festus said, "Whatcha figure's goin' on with Miss Kitty?"

"I don't know," he mused, "but I aim to find out. If she won't tell me Matt will get it out of her."  
"You plan to tell him, do ya?"

Doc swiped at his mustache as he started up the stairs. "I sure do, Festus. I wasn't going to be able to keep him down much longer anyway."

* * *

Kitty put on Matt's favorite blue dress, brushing her long red hair back. She left it down, like he liked it, instead of pinning it up like she usually did.

Taking one last look in the mirror, she paused to study her face. It wasn't as pale as it had been, and she felt just fine. She had been afraid earlier that Doc was going to insist on examining her. And she'd let him examine her all he wanted after tonight. But she needed tonight.

Matt had finally been cleared to get out bed, and he'd set up their evening. Said he had something important to talk to her about. Kitty allowed herself a secret smile. She had something to talk to him about, too.

Most of her was delighted and anticipating the evening ahead. But a small part was nervous, terrified even, that Matt would not take it well. She prayed he would…but she didn't know what she would do if he didn't.

Taking a deep breath, she pasted a smile back on her face and pinched her cheeks to give them a little more color. She would just have to cross that bridge when she came to it – _if _she came to it.

Their dinner was all ready, and she had taken special care with the table. She loved to eat with him here, in the quiet privacy of her room – and tonight she would need that privacy even more.

Someone knocked on her door, and she felt her heart race in anticipation. "Come in," she called.

To her disappointment it was Sam who poked his head in the door. "Miss Kitty," he said, his voice strained. "You need to come downstairs."

Emmett Powell finished the last of his beer, savoring the taste as it slid down his throat. It tasted almost as good as he imagined his revenge would. It had been years, but in his mind the time would make it sweeter. Like fine wine, aged over a decade and carefully nurtured until the time came to fully enjoy it.

He pushed back his chair and rose, nodding to the bartender as he made his way out into the street.

Crossing his arms, he leaned against the side of the Long Branch and waited for Matt Dillon to keep his appointment with Kitty Russell.

He was not disappointed. Within ten minutes the tall, rangy marshal came out of the doc's office and started down the steps.

A deep anticipation coiled into his gut and stayed there, growing warmer and more intense by the second. But he was still in control. He knew exactly what he had to do, how to do it and when to do it. Everything had been choreographed perfectly. He could not lose sight of the goal now.

The marshal was nearing the general store. Emmett pushed himself off the building and strode into the street, fingers hovering over the butt of his gun. "Marshal!" he yelled. "I'm gonna kill you!"

A hush fell over the town. Women and children scrambled to get out of the way, and he saw the doc come out of the office and stand at the top of the stairs.

"I don't know you," was the reply. Emmett smirked. The man was good, he'd give him that. But he couldn't fool Emmett Powell.

"The hell you don't!" he fired back.

Something moved in the corner of his eye. He risked a look at the doors of the Long Branch to see Kitty Russell standing there, luxurious red hair framing a stark white face.

Dillon saw it too. He took his eyes off Emmett for just a moment. But it was enough.

His gun was leveling off before Dillon's cleared the holster. He squeezed the trigger.

The marshal's shot went wide as he fell, blood blossoming scarlet across his massive chest.

* * *

Kitty had always known that one day, Matt would fall and not get back up again. She had known that Doc would look at her and shake his head for the last time, and that would be the end of the great Marshal Matt Dillon.

_But not today, _she thought frantically. _Not today, not when he doesn't even know yet…._

And then the blood pooling around him and she was running to him. How many seconds had passed? Doc was already kneeling next to him, stethoscope on his chest, and then he was sitting up and saying something to Festus she couldn't hear.

Someone grabbed her around the waist, gently, but not letting her go. "No!" she screamed. "Let me go to him! _Let me go!"_ She kicked and flailed, but Thad held her firm.

And then Doc looked at her. And she knew.


	3. Chapter 3

"You damn fool."  
Matt finished sponging the last of the blood that wasn't his from his skin, refusing to look Doc in the eye.

"How could you not tell her? Why, Matt? Huh? If I had for even one second suspected she didn't know, why, I'd've told her myself."

"You can't say a word," Matt said, still not meeting Doc's angry gaze. "Only you, Festus, Thad, and Percy know the truth. It has to stay that way."

"_She thinks you're dead, Matt!" _Doc exploded. "Dear God, if you'd seen her face…_her face."_

"Emmett saved my life once," Matt mumbled. "I owed it to him."

"That man is eaten up with the need for revenge," Doc growled. "He's gonna get himself killed for sure."

Matt grabbed the fresh shirt he'd stowed away up here and pulled it on, wincing only slightly when the movement pulled at his sore arm. By now, he knew, Emmett would be on his way back to Cold Springs – where hopefully, he'd gain the trust of the outlaws he'd been tracking for over ten years now. Matt hoped it had all been worth it, that the news of his death would help Emmett gain the respect of the Gaithers. He agreed with Doc – Emmett was crazy with the need for revenge, but he'd agreed to this crazy scheme only partly because he owed the man.

By now, Thad would be sneaking a horse to the woods on the edge of town, packed with all the gear he'd need for the next few weeks. By now, Festus would be leading a posse after Emmett – in reality taking them on a wild goose chase before "giving up" and heading back to Dodge.

By now Kitty's screams would have given way to silent shock.

His heart twisted as if a knife had run it through.

"Take care of her, Doc," he said quietly. "But you can't tell her the truth."

Defeat flashed in the doctor's old eyes. "Tell me this, Matt," he said. "Are you really planning to come back?"

The marshal drew in a deep, heavy breath. He'd never intended for this to go so far. Never intended to keep it from her, never intended to be gone for more than a few weeks. Just enough time to let Emmett make his move on the outlaws. But now…now that it was started, he couldn't seem to stop it.

"I don't know."

* * *

_He's dead, he's dead, he's dead. Gone. Never coming back. _The words kept repeating in Kitty's mind, over and over. She would never hear his steps coming up the back way of the Long Branch, after it was closed and they were both supposed to be sleeping. She would never run her fingers through his thick, curly hair again. Never lie awake in the darkness with her head on his chest and pray for just one more day with him. One more day, Lord. Let him live for one more day. How many times had she whispered that prayer?

But Matt Dillon's days had finally run out.

"Kitty? Kitty, honey, it's me."

When she didn't answer, Doc pushed the door open and came inside. "Kitty," he said again. She finally raised her eyes to his, and saw her anguish on his face.

"He's dead," she told him. And then the first cry wrenched itself from her chest. Doc held her while she cried for a man whose heart used to beat in perfect tandem with hers. A man who would never love her again.

A man who would never know his son or daughter.

* * *

Doc didn't know who he hated more at that moment – Matt Dillon or himself.

After the big marshal had snuck out under the cover of night, Doc had gone straight to Kitty with every intention of telling her the truth, Matt Dillon be damned. But on his way over, Matt's last words to him had sunk in deep and hit hard.

_"Are you coming back, Matt?"_

_"I don't know."_

Suppose he told Kitty the truth? Suppose he took away all her despair…and then Matt chose to stay gone?

Kitty would spend the rest of her life watching through windows, staring down the street, looking for Matt to come home. She would always wait for him, always believe that one day, he would ride tall into Dodge just like he always had before.

And Doc just couldn't do that to Kitty.


	4. Chapter 4

**Some reviewers complained about the believability of this story. I do realize "imitation" was not the best word choice. Explanation in this chapter. I hope I did not lose any readers because of that.**

**Also, Matt will be a little OOC in this story. That's just how it is. He will soon come to his senses, but I need him to act like this for the time being. So trust me and enjoy the ride.**

**To my kind, supportive reviewers - thank you so much! You mean the world to me. **

* * *

Matt tied Buck to a sapling and eased himself down the hill toward the creek. He'd been doing a lot of thinking on the four hour ride.

Sitting down on a rock, he stared out at the water. Part of him wondered how he could ever consider not going back to Dodge, and the other part of him called him crazy for not running away as fast as he could.

Reaching up, he unpinned the badge he'd worn for so long, hefting the familiar weight of it in his hand.

Matt Dillon had been faced with a lot of choices in his life. More than a few of them had involved a certain redhead.

His fingers tightened around the cool metal as he replayed the events that had led up to this moment, this decision that would not only change his life but hers as well.

* * *

_ Matt walked into the grungy saloon, thankful he'd had the foresight to remove his badge first. Scanning the room, he quickly located Emmett Powell. At first he barely recognized the former sheriff – Emmett now boasted a full beard, and his hair was shot through with gray. He wore the ragged clothes of a drifting cowboy, instead of the impeccably groomed outfit Matt had always seen him in._

_ Pulling out the opposite chair, Matt sat down. "How are you, Emmett?" he greeted his old friend in a low voice, not bothering to conceal his curiosity. "I'll be frank with you, I don't understand any of this…"  
Emmett leaned forward, a dark burning in his eyes Matt had never seen before. "I need your help, Matt. I'm calling in the favor."_

_ It had been seventeen years since the night Emmett had saved a gangly Matt Dillon from certain death. In all that time, he'd never even mentioned the event. If he was calling it in now… _

_"Fill me in," the marshal said, his gaze intense as Emmett began to talk._

_ Twenty-four hours later, Matt Dillon was back in Dodge. He told only Thad, Festus, and Doc of his plans; he needed their help to carry it out. All three of them asked if he was planning to tell Miss Kitty. His answer was "Of course."  
But a lingering doubt, a quiet temptation, silenced what should have been said. And even thought he knew it was wrong, he didn't tell her. It ate at him night and day, but he didn't tell her._

_ Why, even he didn't know._

_ The plan was laid carefully, leaving no room for error. Thad and Festus allowed Doc to draw some blood from each of them, and this was concealed under Matt's shirt. At the right moment, he had only to slap his hand over it, and it would pump enough blood over his shirt to convince anyone._

_ Even she who knew him best._

_ When Emmett arrived, he and Matt didn't speak or acknowledge each other until the day Emmett stepped out into the street and did his part. While Doc took care of things on his end and Thad consoled an inconsolable Kitty, Festus gathered a posse and led them on a wild goose chase before finally returning, seemingly defeated, to the news that the great Marshal Dillon was dead._

_ By that time Matt was actually thirty miles out of town._

Matt scrubbed at his face with one hand, feeling indescribably weary. His life would be so empty without her. But he'd sworn off love and marriage for so long that it seemed impossible to change his ways.

Matt knew they'd reached a turning point. No matter what happened now, they could never go back to the way they'd been before.

Matt Dillon had a choice to make, and he had to make it soon.

* * *

_Dear Doc,_

_ I hardly know how to tell you this. I've never been the type to be at a loss for words, but ever since Matt died, I feel lost. Adrift with no hope of an anchor._

_ He's everywhere I go, you know. I see him walking down the street, having a beer with you and Festus in the Long Branch, breaking up a fight at the Lady Gay. I can't bear to go to the jail, knowing he isn't there and he will never be there again._

_ I hope you'll understand, Doc, why I'm doing this. The memories are too much. Matt colored my life here from day one, and with him gone it's turned gray._

_ I love you, Festus, Thad, Sam…everyone. But I loved him more._

_ Please forgive me. Buy Louie dinner every now and then. Don't worry about me and don't try to find me, because I don't want to be found._

_Love,_

_Kitty _

_P.S. I've deeded the Long Branch to Sam._

Doc jumped up and raced past a confused Benny, hoping against hope he wasn't too late and cursing Matt Dillon every way he knew how.

"Burke! Burke!"

The man stepped out from behind some crates, looking uncharacteristically solemn. "She's gone," he said quietly. "She got on the stage at three o' clock this morning."

"Where?" Doc demanded, just barely resisting the urge to shake him. "_Where did she go, Burke?"_

"The stage was heading for Sante Fe. But we both know she won't stay there."

"Why didn't you come get me, Burke? Me or Festus or Thad…"  
"She asked me not to," the other man said. "If you could have seen her, Doc…"  
With a deep, defeated sigh, Doc went to break the news to the others, all the while imagining what he would do if he could get his hands on Matthew Dillon. The marshal's tangled web of lies had ensnared them all, and it had ruined a woman's life.

A woman he should have cherished and protected above all others.


End file.
